Understanding and using a transgender person's preferred pronouns is an essential part of affirming their identity. This guide covers a range of methods designed to help you incorporate preferred pronouns and support your transgender family, friends, and peers.
1. Consistently Use Their Preferred Name
Transgender people often change their first name when they change their pronouns. Many allies find it easier to start using their preferred name rather than their pronouns. This is common since we see our names everywhere. Since we see their names change on platforms like Netflix, email addresses, and social media, our brains remember them more quickly than pronouns. If this is the case for you, use their preferred name more frequently. It may seem monotonous at first, but it can help train your brain to recognize the change. For example:
You: Stephyn just got a haircut. It looks so good!
Another ally: I agree! Stephyn just seems much more confident in it.
You: And I love the curls! I’m just happy for Steph more than anything.
Using conversations like this as a starting point will help train your mind to gradually switch to your loved one’s new pronouns.
2. Ask Others to Correct You When You Slip Up
No one expects you to be perfect when someone changes their pronouns. It is perfectly normal to slip up, especially in the beginning. One of the best things you can do to help with the transition is to tell the people closest to you to correct you when you get it wrong. Many people shy away from correcting someone since they don’t want to interrupt, seem rude, or embarrass you. By letting people know that you are open and want to be corrected, you’re adding people to your support team so that you can get used to it. (On the flipside of this, correct others when you notice them using improper pronouns as well)!
Bonus:
After you’re corrected, make an effort to immediately use the right pronoun (and don’t belabor your mistake). For example:
You: Since she’s come out, Steph is really coming into her own.
Another ally: Remember, he/him!
You: That’s right, I’m sorry. He is really coming into his own. He…
3. Add Pronouns to Their Contact Information
We see names on our phone more often than arguably any other place. One way to get the repetition you need to change a loved one’s pronouns is to add their preferred pronouns to their contact name. Add (he/him), (she/her), (they/them), etc. right next to their first or last name in your phone so that every time they call or text you, you’re reminded how to address them. (You could even add pronouns to your cisgender contacts to normalize the process of paying attention to them).
4. Practice by Yourself (or with Pets) 🙂
Another way to help you use someone’s new pronouns is to practice using them when you’re alone (or with a furry friend) in a setting where you’re not pressured by the flow of a conversation. Start with information and phrases that you use frequently when you’re talking about them, such as where they live, where they went to school, what they do for a living, what they do for fun, your favorite story about them, etc. Pretend that you’re talking to someone new about your loved one for the first time. Talk slowly, and even write their pronouns to look at while you’re talking for a visual aid. Practicing alone will give you more confidence in adjusting to their new pronouns.
5. Practice with Others
Remember that you’re not alone in this! Other people who support your genderqueer loved one are in the same situation you are. Along with correcting each other, take the time to have conversations where you’re less focused on what you’re saying and more concentrated on using the right pronouns. You can start with the phrases you use when practicing alone. The auditory feedback of hearing the new pronouns will also help you adjust.
6. Write and Include Their Pronouns
Another way to reinforce the new pronouns is to write them down. Journal about your loved one, write down the phrases that you practice out loud, write creatively about them, or simply write their name and their pronouns over and over. Writing their preferred name and pronouns triggers the tactile learning systems in our brain and will also help you use the proper pronouns when speaking.
7. Consume Content with Trans Characters
Find some TV shows, movies, or podcasts that have transgender representation, and take note of how people use each other's pronouns. Part of the reason we struggle with switching pronouns is because society has not been exposed to it enough. Just by watching real or fictitious stories involving transgender characters, your mind will start to pay more attention when you use people’s pronouns.
8. Post Pronouns in Visible Places
Write pronouns and put them up in places that you see often. They don’t even need to be your loved one’s pronouns. You can put pronouns on sticky notes, write them on a white board, get pronoun magnets for the fridge, or schedule notifications in your phone. Just seeing pronouns by themselves will remind you to practice using the proper terminology and to be conscious when using others’ pronouns.
9. Understand the Importance of Trans Pronouns
Most cisgender people don’t understand the importance of pronouns for trans people since they’ve never had to think about it. If you’ve never experienced gender dysphoria, you’ve likely never cringed or felt hurt when someone used pronouns that align with your sex assigned at birth rather than your gender identity. Once you understand the significance of using your loved one’s preferred pronouns, you will naturally begin to take it more seriously and think about it more often. Find some resources so that you can be educated when addressing your loved one and advocating for trans people.
10. Label Old and Current Photos
If you have photos of your loved one up around your house, label them with their name and pronouns. This helps create a visual association between them and their preferred terminology. You can do this with photos of them before and after transitioning.
Please Note:
Transgender people have varying opinions and sentiments towards photos of themselves pre-transition. Some are very open about sharing photos of themselves before transitioning, while others don't like seeing old photos and ask people to remove them from their homes and social profiles. I strongly encourage you to have this conversation with your loved one if you still share photos of them pre-transition.
11. Make a Game Out of It
Find some way to make remembering their pronouns fun. Give yourself an incentive for going a day, three days, or a week without slipping up. The reward can coincide with the length of time.
For example:
If I go all day without using the incorrect pronouns, I’ll buy some Ben & Jerry’s Americone Dream ice cream later.
If I go three days using the proper pronouns, I’ll finally rent Die Hard with a Vengeance.
If I go a week using the proper pronouns, I’ll get myself the Blackstone grill I’ve been wanting. (Okay, this one’s a bit much, but you get the point).
Find something (outside of supporting your loved one) that makes you excited about using the correct pronouns.
12. Be Patient with Yourself
Give yourself time to adjust. It’s normal for the change to be difficult and for people to slip up. What’s important is that you are making the effort to use their preferred pronouns. (Look, you’re reading this page)! If you’re nervous that they're upset, have an honest conversation with them about it. Let them know how much you’re trying and ask how they feel about it. It takes time, repetition, and practice to adjust to new pronouns - and that’s okay! What matters is your effort, love, and affirmation of your loved one’s gender identity. Be patient, keep trying, and be confident in those efforts.
Conclusion
Embracing the preferred names and pronouns of transgender individuals is more than a formality. It's an important gesture of respect, affirmation, and support for their authentic selves. With these practical tips and strategies, you can more quickly transition to use the preferred pronouns of your loved ones, colleagues, and peers. Mistakes are a part of the process; it's your commitment to improve and effort to change that makes the difference.